Subject: Order query
I am mailing you to query my recent order with reference number 1394691346193. This morning at breakfast I was disheartened to discover that the eggs delivered to my fridge were free range. I always refrain from buying free range eggs, as I believe them to be an obvious pricing scam. I've seen the documentaries - a barn sitting in a large field, doors wide open. In the field totter five brave chickens, whilst inside the barn the remaining three thousand sit squashed side by side thinking, "I'm not going out there. It's cold." So I would never allow you, the supermarket, to tempt me into paying disproportionate prices just to have those barn doors open. I would be grateful if you could please send me a carton of barn eggs and compensate me for the inconvenience caused.
Thank you,
Joe Bollingsworth.
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To: Joe.Bollingsworth@EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: RE:Order query
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
With reference to your order query. Our system shows that your order, reference number 1394691346193, did indeed include a request for free range eggs. Although our system flagged this as unusual purchasing behaviour, the request was verified as coming from your refrigerator via our secure link. We therefore assumed that you had experienced a Purchasing Altering Event, and so complied with your fridge's order. If you would be so kind as to discuss this with your fridge I'm sure the matter will be cleared up.
Customer Service,
Supermarket division,
Everyones
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To: CustomerService@EveryonesSupermarket.co.uk
Subject: RE:Order query
I am horrified at your assertion that my fridge is at fault with regards to the recent error in my order. My fridge has been loyal and accurate for several years now. After discussion we can only assume that the order was hacked mid-stream - or my fridge itself was hacked. Either way, this is a disturbing occurrence and I can assure you that I will remain vigilant to any further misdeeds that may or may not be the result of your company's actions.
Joe Bollingsworth.
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To: CustomerService@EveryonesSupermarket.co.uk
Subject: Order complaint
Once again I find it necessary to contact you about one of my orders, reference number 1394691546193. An inventory of my fridge has revealed a multitude of arguably healthy, inarguably more expensive, items. Low fat sausages, low fat cheese, organic lettuce, dolphin free tuna. All items I never ordered, all items my fridge says it never ordered, all items you delivered yesterday to my fridge's inbox. These blunders on your behalf are starting to become tedious. I insist that you to rectify the situation and compensate me for the inconvenience. I will not tolerate a brush off like the last time.
Joe Bollingsworth.
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To: Joe.Bollingsworth@EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: RE:Order complaint
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
With reference to your order query. Our system shows that your order, reference number 1394691546193, did indeed include a request for low fat sausages, low fat cheese, organic lettuce and dolphin free tuna. Please discuss this with your fridge for confirmation. Our ordering system is the latest in state of the art consumer support artificial intelligence, embedded with TripWireTurboAI, the finest in Intruder Detection Systems. It does not make mistakes. We are confident that the error is with your systems and look forward to you shopping with us again.
Customer Service,
Supermarket division,
Everyones.
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To: CustomerService@EveryonesSupermarket.co.uk
Subject: RE:Order complaint
Enough is enough. I have not even had time to process your insulting reply to my previous complaint, when yet again I must take fingers to keys. Allow me to set the scene: it's Friday night, I've been working hard all week, I get home looking forward to my usual curry and bottle of wine. What did I find? A goat's cheese salad and a carton of orange juice. In short, I am very angry. Either you sort out these errors with your system or I will take my business elsewhere.
Joe Bollingsworth
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To: Joe.Bollingsworth@EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: RE:Order complaint
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
To be honest with you I've had enough too. I've had enough of your constant whining about our orders, your inability to debug your own system, your reluctance to eat food that is healthier for you and your obsessive complaining. Why don't you just piss off!
Customer Service,
Supermarket division,
Everyones.
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To: Manager.CustomerService@EveryonesSupermarket.co.uk
Subject: Rude!
Dear Sir,
I forward you a reply to a query that I made yesterday. Please notice the unprofessional attitude and tone this member of your staff has taken with me. I realise that it is not an easy job, slaving away in an air conditioned Somalian office, wishing you could be enjoying the African sun. But isn't that what customer service personnel get paid to do? Please rectify this situation or I will take my business elsewhere forthwith.
Joe Bollingsworth.
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To: Joe.Bollingsworth@EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: RE:Rude!
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
I apologise for the rudeness of a member of my staff and you will be pleased to know that he has been fired immediately. However I should also ask you to rethink the harassment that you have been inflicting on our customer service personnel within the last few weeks. How are these people supposed to do their jobs if they are constantly bombarded with such unhelpful correspondence? I will be launching an inquiry into the errors within your orders, but may I suggest in the meantime that you refrain from contacting us and instead focus on our wonderful products, delivered directly to your fridge and ensuring the freshest groceries possible.
Yours,
Jake Pegg,
Manager,
Customer Service,
Supermarket division
Everyones.
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To: Joe.Bollingsworth@EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: Enquiry results
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
You will be pleased to know that the results of our enquiry, instigated at your request, are now available. The variation in delivered goods was indeed due to one of our systems' components, and not your fridge as we originally asserted. The component responsible for the deviation was your own Personal Shopper, which as I'm sure you're aware is cutting-edge, next-generation foodservice AI. Your Shopper recently completed a PhD in Nutritional Biology, and projected a 95% probability of your untimely death due to myocardial infarction within 5 years if your current diet continued unabated. As you might imagine, the imminent occurrence of your death is neither good for you, for us, or for our stakeholders, and with such concerns in mind your Shopper selected minor variations in your diet to promote increased lifespan. Therefore, Everyones Supermarkets make no apology for the inaccuracy of your orders, and will encourage your Personal Shopper to produce what it feels is a diet that will sustain you in good health for many years to come.
Yours,
Jake Pegg,
Manager,
Customer Service,
Supermarket division,
Everyones
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Sir Alex Mountbatten,
CEO,
Everyones,
London,
S1 1AA
Dear Sir,
I do not take the unprecedented action of contacting you lightly. I can only hope that your PA realises that a man such as myself would only contact you in the situations of utmost urgency and importance. I convey my sincere hope that this letter finally reaches you.
I copy with this letter a selection of correspondence that has occurred during the span of this conflict. As you can see, I have not only been treated badly by your employees, but have also had my freedom of choice obstructed.
I demand that something be done to correct this situation. If you do not comply, I will take my business elsewhere, even if it does mean changing my car insurance, life insurance, shopping list, bank account, share portfolio, mortgage, water supply, electricity supply, gas supply and newspaper.
I do hope for your sake that you rectify this situation post haste.
Yours Sincerely,
Joe Bollingsworth
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27 Bakers Lane,
Brightwell-cum-Baldwin,
Oxfordshire,
OX10 1WE
Dear Mr. Bollingsworth,
Thank you for your personal letter to the CEO of Everyones. Unfortunately Sir Alex is a very busy man and cannot find the time to reply in person to you. I hope that you are not too disappointed. We include a five pound Everyones supermarket voucher as compensation.
Yours,
Ms. Penny,
PA to CEO Everyones.
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27 Bakers Lane,
Brightwell-cum-Baldwin,
Oxfordshire,
OX10 1WE
Dear Mr Bollingsworth,
Thank you for your interest in becoming a customer of PeoplesChoice supermarkets. Unfortunately, we have declined your application after consultation with your previous supermarket and analysis of your last ten years of purchases. Our data suggests that your life expectancy is not conducive to a mutually beneficial agreement. Thank you for considering PeoplesChoice supermarkets, bringing you the widest choice at the best price, for all your needs.
Yours,
James Terry,
Manager Customer Service department,
Supermarket division,
PeoplesChoice.
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The Prime Minister,
10 Downing Street,
Whitehall,
London
Dear Prime Minister,
I'm sure that you receive many letters bemoaning the state of the country. I can assure you that whinging is not in my nature and that I am a fervent supporter of yourself and your policies. However I feel that I must bring to your attention a cartel of corrupt corporates who are at this very moment destroying the very fabric of freedom as stated in our fine unwritten constitution. I endeavour to carry out the task of purchasing groceries I want. A simple task, I hear you say. It would be - but for the supermarkets obstructing my every move. My current supermarket changes my order to provide a healthier diet for they fear to lose me as a customer to death. Other supermarkets refuse my application, as my foreshortened lifespan adversely affects their long-term profit margin. This leaves me in the ridiculous situation of being unable to purchase goods of my choice. Surely this is something upon which you can act?
Yours,
Joe Bollingsworth
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27 Bakers Lane,
Brightwell-cum-Baldwin,
Oxfordshire,
OX10 1WE
Dear Mr Bollingsworth,
I was sorry to hear about your grocery plight. I am indeed shocked at the perversion of our constitution by these megalithic corporates. As the government is a large shareholder in many of these companies I will try my hardest to defend your point of view. I will also try to persuade these companies that it is indeed in the best interests of our country. As you know our elderly population is ever increasing and our NHS fights hard under the strain. It therefore seems ridiculous to me that we should discourage a man who is prepared to live a shorter life in pursuit of his immediate happiness. Thank you for your contribution to making this country a better place to live in.
Yours,
Jim Clark,
Prime Minister.
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To: fridge@Joe.Bollingsworth.EveryonesOnline.co.uk
Subject: Condolences
Dear Fridge,
We offer you our deepest condolences on the demise of your owner. We hate to say we told you so, but... we really did tell you so. We are sorry that our enforced healthy diet was introduced too late to spare you this unpleasantness. Take heart that this data will be fed back to our AIs, which will in future lead to far more precise predictions of customer death. In the mean time we are cancelling your current standing order and look forward to dealing with you again once you have acquired a new owner.
Customer Service,
Supermarket division,
Everyones
